


You Love Him

by Name_Pending



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angry Sam Winchester, Angst, Castiel Needs a Hug, Castiel Takes Care of Dean Winchester, Crying Dean, Dean Needs A Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Guilty Dean, Hopeful Ending, Insecure Dean, M/M, Protective Castiel, Protective Sam Winchester, Sam Is So Done, Sam Knows, Sam Ships It, Season/Series 09
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2019-01-18 10:23:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12386250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Name_Pending/pseuds/Name_Pending
Summary: Sam calls Dean out on the way he treats Castiel after he finds out the real reason why Cas left the bunker.





	You Love Him

**Author's Note:**

> Set at the end of 9x10 - Road Trip

Sam was absolutely livid. The English language did not have words enough for him to describe just how angry he was at his brother right now. After the day he’d had, the younger Winchester was tired, sore and above all furious.

Dean had went behind his back to let an angel possess him. And not just any angel - a stranger, someone they had never even met before. He’d taken the goddamn bastard at his word, and now Kevin was dead because of it.

Gadreel had killed him. Gadreel had used Sam to do it and no matter what Dean said, Sam couldn’t shake off the feeling that he had killed Kevin. It had been _his_ hands that were used to burn out the poor kid’s eyes, _his_ face that had been the last horrible thing Kevin had ever seen. It wasn’t Sam’s fault but that didn’t mean he wasn’t feeling guilty; surely there must have been _something_ he could have done to stop it from happening. If only he’d kicked the damn angel out of his head earlier.

Which he might well have done, if Dean had bothered to _tell_ him.

Dean, Castiel and Crowley had worked together to get Sam to kick Gadreel out and now the lying bastard was gone, but the damage was done. Kevin was dead and Sam had lost the trust in his brother that he had valued so much. Dean was perhaps the only person in the world that Sam truly trusted - alright, so he trusted Castiel almost as much, but Dean was different - and he had gone behind Sam’s back to let an angel possess him without his consent.

Sam didn’t really remember the angel inside his head but he remembered the weird blackouts, the lapses in time, and the feeling that something was generally not right. Now that he knew why, he felt oddly violated.

He would never have allowed the angel in. That had been _his_ decision to make, and Dean had taken that from him and made the decision himself, and it wasn’t okay.  

Sam was interrupted from his thoughts, all of them dark, by Dean’s suggestion that the three of them should hurry back to the bunker. Crowley had stayed behind to hold off Abaddon and Sam was grateful for that - not just for the demon’s assistance but also for his absence. He didn’t want to put up with the disgraced King of Hell right now.

It was bad enough that he had to look at his brother. He’d have liked it if Dean would just get in his car and drive off and give Sam space to think. He wanted to be alone right now and was getting incredibly close to screaming at his companions to leave.

He wasn’t going to though. If it was just Dean then he might, but not with Cas here. Whatever was going on between him and Dean, it wasn’t Castiel’s fault. The angel had been screwed over by Dean just as bad as he had.

Before he had kicked out Gadreel, he had been able to access some of the hidden memories stored in his brain, some things that he had seen through Gadreel’s eyes. He had seen Kevin’s death. He had also seen himself - Gadreel - force Dean to kick Cas out of the bunker. Dean had lied to him; Cas hadn’t chosen to leave, he had been forced out. _Dean_ had forced him out.

That annoyed Sam beyond imagination. Dean, who was always so focused on family, had thrown his best friend out with nothing, all to protect the lying son of a bitch that had used Sam’s body and slaughtered poor Kevin.

Logically he knew that Dean had done it for him, done it to protect his little brother just like he always had. But that didn’t make it right. Now Sam felt responsible for what had happened to Castiel, and it wasn’t his damn fault - he would have chosen to die, not be possessed by an angel. He had been _ready_ to die.

This was all Dean’s fault.

Sam’s thoughts were interrupted when Castiel pressed a finger to his forehead, healing the worst of the physical damage as best he could. He barely heard the angel talking to him, too focused on the anger he held for his brother. Sam turned to Dean now and glared at him, irritated beyond words that his brother just looked back at him, looking guilty and resigned.

Dean stepped towards him. “Alright, let me hear it.”

Sam was too tired to do this, despite how angry he was.

“What do you want me to say? That I’m pissed? Okay, I am. I’m pissed.” He levelled his brother with a cool gaze. “You lied to me. Again”

Dean kept eye contact. “I didn’t have a choice.”

“I was ready to die, Dean!” Sam glared.

“I know.” Dean wasn’t even going to deny it, Sam realised. “But I wouldn’t let you, because that’s not in me.”

At the blatant honesty and resignation in his brother, Sam could feel the anger bubbling over. “So what? You decided to trick me into being possessed by some … psycho angel?”

“He saved your life.”

 _I didn’t want saving_ , Sam wanted to scream at him. _If I had died when I was supposed to the gates of hell would be closed and Kevin would be alive!_

“So what? I was willing to die” he said aloud. “And now … Kevin ...”

“No, that is not on you!” Dean insisted. “Kevin’s blood is on _my_ hands, and that ain’t ever getting clean. I’ll burn for that. I will” He looked sad, like he had accepted his fate, and for some reason it only irritated Sam further. “But I’ll find Gadreel, and I will end that son of a bitch.”

“And that’s supposed to make it better?” Sam snapped, all patience with Dean gone now. “It won’t change what happened to Kevin. It won’t change what you did to me, Dean. Or what you did to Cas.”

Dean looked down at that and Sam would’ve smirked at the victory if he’d had the energy.

“I know what I’ve done, Sam” Dean said, so quietly that Sam could barely hear.

Sam wanted to tell Dean to speak the hell up - if he was so goddamn unapologetic about his decisions then he could at least sound like it. But he knew why his brother was keeping quiet; Cas was only a few metres away and could hear them. Sam was exhausted but his lifetime as a hunter had given him instincts that had caught Castiel’s movement out the corner of his eye - the angel had tensed up and looked away when Sam had brought him into the argument.

It made him angrier than he already was. Dean had royally screwed Cas over and yet the angel had come running right back to him, like he always did. It wasn’t in Cas to hold Dean’s mistake over his head, but right now, Sam was not at all above it. Cas may not stand up to Dean, but Sam had no problem with it.

“No you don’t. How could you know?” Sam snarled. “You have no idea what it’s like to have an angel in your head, to have to fight your way out of your own mind.”

“Sam…”

“And you have no idea what it’s like to be kicked out of your home!”

Cas had looked away again and Dean looked stricken.

Sam felt a spark of guilt explode in his chest. He knew that was a low blow - and inaccurate. Memories of Sonny and the boy’s home came rushing back to him, reminding him that Dean knew exactly what it was like to be cast out from your family. At any other time, he’d take it back, but not now. He didn’t feel like being fair right now.

“What do you want me to say, Sam?”

It was a testament to how worn out and tired Dean was that he didn’t shove the inaccuracy of Sam’s words back in his face.

“Dean, look, I know you were in a crappy situation, man, but ...” Sam took a deep breath and levelled an icy look at his brother. “You had no right to make that decision for me. And you had no right to kick Cas out of the bunker because of Gadreel.”

“I did that to protect you!” Dean hissed. “I would...”

Sam’s breath caught in his throat. He knew exactly what Dean had been about to say: ‘I would do it again.’ And that was so, _so_ not okay.

Cas hadn’t even reacted. He didn’t seem to have heard, but Sam knew that he had.

Sam couldn’t help it. He punched his brother in the face.

Dean stumbled a bit, but he didn’t fall and he didn’t swing back. He just rubbed his hand over his face, which was now red and would soon be bruised.

Castiel stepped over, hesitant to interfere but ready to intervene if Sam swung his fist again. Always protecting Dean, always so quick to rush to the hunter’s defence, even when he didn’t deserve it. Sam would be the first to say that his brother deserved a better life than he had, but he couldn’t deny that the way Dean treated his best friend was sometimes way beyond wrong.

Sam turned to Cas, trying not to glare at him; he wasn’t angry at the angel. “Cas, can you give us a moment?”

The angel seemed hesitant to leave, glancing at Dean warily.

Dean met the angel’s eyes. “It’s okay, Cas.”

Although still uncertain, Cas did as he was asked and walked to his car. He turned the engine on and the brothers heard the faint sound of music from inside the car; the angel was clearly not going anywhere even if he was giving them their privacy.

Free to talk now, Dean glared at his brother.

“Don’t drag Cas into this!” he growled. “I know what I did to him. I’ve talked to him.”

“And that’s it?”

“ _What’s_ it?”

“So you’re just gonna talk and say ‘oh sorry I kicked you out, Cas, we cool?’ Dean, you know he’s just gonna say it’s fine and move on. That’s how he works.”

Dean was just staring at him now, looking angrier by the second. Good.

“Cas would do anything for you, Dean. _Anything_.” Sam’s voice was even and firm. “He’d die for you. He has already!”

“Yeah, and I’d die for him. Just like I’d die for you. What I won’t do is let _you_ die!”

“But you’d let Cas die.”

“No!”

“But you would! You threw him out when he was human, the angels were hunting him. He could’ve been killed.”

“You think I don’t know that? You think I didn’t worry about him every day? I will _never_ forgive myself for what I did to him. But Sam, all he had to do was leave. You’d have _died_!”

“I would’ve _chosen_ to die! What choice did Cas have?”

Dean looked down, and Sam wasn’t sure if he agreed with him or if he was just done arguing.

Sam sighed, trying to gather his wits together enough to form a coherent argument. Screaming nonsense at his brother may make him feel better but it wouldn’t help.

“I know you didn’t want him to leave, but you kicked him out anyway. Dean, he’d do anything for you. He’s come through for you - for us - so many times, and when he really needs you, you kicked him out. He could’ve been killed. How can you do that to someone you love?”

Dean’s cheeks darkened and he didn’t look up.

“Dean! You could at least look at me.”

Hesitantly, Dean met Sam’s eyes.

“Dean ... I know. I _know_ , okay?”

“You know _what_?”

“About you and Cas.”

The blush on Dean’s cheeks darkened significantly and he looked away.

“Dean.”

“Dunno what you’re talking about, Sam.”

Dean was clearly uncomfortable and unsettled. Sam had expected that and he was anticipating the rush of gratification he’d feel - but it didn’t come. All he felt was a sense of complete wrongness, and maybe even some sympathy, as he saw how bad his brother felt. It didn’t make it better, and his anger hadn’t dissipated at all.

But he was finally, _finally_ talking about this. The damned sexual tension between Dean and Cas had been driving him insane for over a year now. He had a goddamned right to load all this onto his brother. It was well past time for Dean to get his head out of his ass.

And if he let Dean do this at his own pace, they’d be here in ten years and nothing would have changed. No, he was doing it his way now.

“You’re in love with Cas” Sam said bluntly.

Dean’s breath hitched and he froze, fear coming into his eyes. Sam didn’t miss the way he glanced back towards the car, as if checking to see if Cas had heard.

“You’ve been in love with the guy for years and you’ve strung him along and then when he actually needs you, you kick him out without a second thought!”

“Shut up, Sam!” Dean growled, face flushed dark red and eyes boring holes into Sam’s head. “‘Without a second thought’? I freaked out about what I’d done to him every day! Just cause for some reason you’ve got it into your head that I’m in love with the dude doesn’t mean that...”

Sam slapped him - an actual slap, like ones he’d gotten more than once from women at bars when he’d forgotten about drunken encounters the night before.

Dean pulled back a little and blinked at his brother. “Did you just bitch slap me?”

“I slapped you cause you deserved it, you selfish dick!” Sam snarled. “Can you just for once get your head out your ass and listen to me? I know I’m not making this up, Dean, everyone can see it! You and Cas have a … a … a _bond_ or something, and you’ve been in love with him for long enough.” He forced his facial expression to soften even though it took some effort. “Don’t you think it’s about time you stopped stringing the poor guy along?”

“What the hell do you mean by that!?”

“He’s in love with you, too, you idiot” Sam replied, keeping his tone firm. “Why the hell do you think he goes along with everything?”

“Sam, he...”

“He does it because of you. He loves you, Dean. And it’s not fair for you to keep doing this to him.”

“Doing _what_?”

“Asking him to give up everything for you and then not giving him anything back.”

“When the hell have I...”

“Dean.”

Dean froze instantly - that wasn’t Sam. That voice had come from behind him, and Dean gulped before slowly turning to face Castiel.

He hadn’t noticed the angel getting out of the car or walking over, but there he was. Dean glanced back furiously at his brother, who still looked incredibly pissed off but now looked victorious. It wasn’t a good look on him, Dean thought; certainly not at his expense.

Dean looked down at the ground, cheeks still red with anger and humiliation. It was bad enough that Sam had brought all this up at all, but to have Cas here right now … that was too much. Had he overheard anything?

“Weren’t you supposed to be waiting in the car?” Dean forced out through gritted teeth, glaring hard at the angel.

“I saw Sam strike you. I thought you might...”

“Might what? Need you to protect me?” Dean sneered. “Thanks, but I think I can manage.”

“Oh, shut up, Dean” Sam interjected. “This is exactly what I’m talking about! He’s trying to help you and all you can do is...”

“Sam, I swear to god, if you don’t shut up, I’m gonna knock you out.”

“That would be a bit of an overreaction, Dean” Cas said quietly, warily meeting Dean’s eyes. “Sam is only trying to help. And he’s not said anything that isn’t true.”

A silence fell over the three. Only Sam’s face was void of fear.

Sam watched as his brother and his best friend stared at one another, a blend of anger and fear and embarrassment passing between them. It was like they’d forgotten he was here - but then he was used to that.

Despite the fury still bubbling away inside him, Sam felt better. Not better about anything that had happened - he was still furious with Dean and he didn’t think he’d ever feel better about Kevin - but at least now he’d gotten some of the rage out. Maybe his relationship with Dean was beyond repair, but he might just have been able to do something nice for Castiel.

The angel deserved better than anything either of the Winchesters could give, but this was the best Sam had to offer. He hadn’t actually intended for the angel to overhear anything he’d said to his brother, but it was too late to worry about that now.

Sam cleared his throat and fixed the two with a cold glare, meant more for his brother than for Cas. “I’m taking the impala. I’m heading back to the bunker.” He tried his best to smile at Cas before he stared at Dean, the anger flaring up at the visible anger on his brother’s face. “Don’t be in a rush to follow.”

Sam held out his hand and glared harder at Dean, silently challenging the older hunter. Dean returned the stare, but he seemed distracted now. Sam was a little disappointed that Dean handed over the keys without an argument - he’d have liked the excuse to punch his brother's face again.

Wandering past the two, Sam made sure to both ignore his brother and pat the angel’s shoulder in encouragement. He felt their eyes on him as he walked to the impala and got in, just barely resisting the urge to kick the shiny black metal just to piss Dean off. He didn’t hesitate to start the engine and drive off, and he didn’t look in the mirror as he left them behind.

Dean watched his car disappear into the night, wishing he hadn’t handed over the keys as soon as the lights vanished from view. Now the only available car belonged to Cas, and right now he didn’t want to face the angel.

Not that it mattered what he wanted.

Cas was still here, although he’d moved a few feet away when Sam had left them. He was staring out into the night now, obviously focusing on anything that wasn’t Dean. It made Dean feel worse than he already did, and that was quite an impressive feat right now.

After everything he’d already put the angel through, he didn’t want to be the reason for Castiel to look so uncomfortable. It wasn’t fair.

 _Damn Sam_ , he thought, but that wasn’t fair either. Sam had been talking to _him_ , it wasn't his brother’s fault that the angel had worried about him and come to his aid.

 _He didn’t have to say any of that_. Dean scrubbed a hand down his face; he didn’t have the energy to do this right now. _I can’t deal with this_.

Dean wandered over reluctantly to stand next to the angel, keeping a foot of distance between them. After what Sam had said, he was oddly conscious of the space between them, and he had to resist the urge to step further away.

He had no idea what he was supposed to say now.

‘Sorry you heard that’ was a cheap cop-out, and Cas deserved better. ‘Still friends, right?’ was too cheesy.

‘What Sam said, it’s not true’? Well, that was probably the safest option.

Except it wasn’t really true.

That was the worst thing about what Sam had done. The worst thing was that, deep down in some place Dean really wasn’t ready to acknowledge, he already knew that he did have feelings for Cas, feelings that went way beyond friendship. He’d called them brotherly feelings once, unwilling to entertain the notion that they might be anything else.

He knew better now. After Purgatory, after the guilt inside him that he suffered every day after he’d kicked Cas out of the bunker, he couldn’t ever try to call Cas his brother again. It would feel wrong.

Cas wasn’t his brother, but he wasn’t his friend either. Dean had other friends - Garth and Charlie and _Kevin_ …

His breath caught in his throat as he thought of Kevin, first as he should be and secondly as the corpse he now was, and he closed his eyes. The combined guilt and pain twisted in his chest, and for a second he was worried that he might actually throw up.

Cas glanced over at him, blue eyes full of concern, and that made it worse.

How long had they been standing here in silence? The weight of what Cas had said had been too much, and Dean still didn’t know how to respond.

But Cas was still looking at him.

“Are you alright, Dean?”

And at that, Dean lost it.

Why the hell did Cas have to _care_ so much? Why couldn’t he just be angry at Dean, like he _should_ be?

Why the hell had Dean given Sam his car keys? He needed to get away. Right now.

Something like a sob caught in his throat, and the hunter turned and took a few steps away from the angel, one hand covering his face.

“Dean?”

“Leave it, Cas” he snarled. Dammit, he didn’t mean that; Cas didn’t deserve that. “Just … just give me a minute, alright?”

Cas didn’t reply, but he moved no closer, so Dean knew he’d heard.

The hunter took a couple of deep breaths, feeling his lower lip wobbling and his eyes burning with tears. He refused to cry. He had nothing to cry about - everything that had happened had been his own damn fault, he’d caused all this. Sam and Cas and Kevin, they were the ones who had a reason to cry, not him.

Despite his best efforts, the guilt and the shame and the complete fear at having Sam lay out everything between him and Cas before them both without warning … it was too much. Dean clenched his fist against his mouth, teeth scraping a knuckle, but it didn’t help. He barely noticed the small pain it caused. All he could feel was everything inside him.

He’d thought he was immune now to this, to the feeling of shame and self-loathing gripping him tightly enough to render him completely immobile. He’d felt it so strongly and so often over the past decade that he’d thought he’d grown used to it.

Apparently he’d been wrong. When wasn’t he wrong? 

He clenched his eyes shut, trying not to make a sound, although he knew it was pointless. Cas had already heard his breath hitching, could no doubt see his shoulders shaking.

It made it worse that the angel kept his distance.

Was that out of respect for Dean’s many requests for personal space? Or had he just finally realised what Dean had done to him, and decided that he was under no obligation to care for the hunter?

Although he knew that he deserved that and worse, the thought of Cas disowning him on the same night that Sam did ... it ripped a genuine sob from his body, so full and painful that it might as well have been torn straight from his soul.

He felt the hand on his shoulder before he had a chance to realise Cas was moving.

“Dean.”

“I’m _sorry_ , Cas!” Dean burst out, his whole body tensing. “I screwed this up. I screwed everything up and I can’t change it and now Sam doesn’t trust me and…” He took a shaky breath, barely managing to gulp in air. “God, I am _so_ fucking sorry, Cas.”

“You don’t have to apologise, Dean.” The angel’s voice was gentle and the hand on Dean’s shoulder was warm. “Like I said before, you were stupid for the right reasons.”

A shaky laugh left the hunter, but the smile was watery and didn’t last more than a second. “It doesn’t matter. I ruined everything!”

“Dean...”

“I shouldn’t have kicked you out of the bunker.”

“You were doing what you had to. Saving Sam’s life was more important.”

“Try telling him that” Dean whispered, before he reached out with one hand, desperately clutching Cas’ arm. The fabric of this new trench coat was damp in his grip, and Dean vaguely registered that it was still raining. “It doesn’t matter anyway. Sam was right. I shouldn’t have … I should’ve found a better way.”

“You didn’t have a...”

“I did, though” Dean interrupted, eyes closing in regret. “And I screwed it up.”

Cas didn’t reply, and Dean curled in on himself without meaning to. He tried to straighten up, embarrassed, but he couldn't quite manage it. All his energy was already being spent on trying not to scream; the sobs that he couldn’t stop or control were humiliating enough.

He noticed when Cas pulled his arm away from Dean and the rejection curled around the hunter’s heart and squeezed like a vice, but then the angel’s arms were around his shoulders and he was pulled against a warm body.

He gasped involuntarily, arms still curled protectively into his chest and trapped between them, but Cas didn’t seem to notice.

The angel held him tightly, refusing to let him pull away even when Dean struggled. He gave up after a few moments, sagging against the angel, safe in the knowledge that Cas could hold him up.

Christ, he didn’t want to put this on the angel; he didn’t deserve it.

“Cas, please” he whispered, and he didn’t even know what he was asking for.

He both wanted the angel to release him and to hold him tighter. Cas did neither. He just continued to hold the hunter in his arms, saying nothing, like he was giving Dean the opportunity to get this out of his system.

Dean barely noticed when another harsh sob escaped, but he did notice that the angel’s arms tightened around him. This time, too lost in self-loathing and regret to feel embarrassed any more, Dean forced his arms out from between them and wrapped them around Cas, clutching at him.

With anybody else, Dean would have been utterly humiliated that he was pretty much literally crying on their shoulder. With Cas, though, he felt safe enough to stay there. He knew that as soon as the worst of it had passed he would be furious at himself for allowing this to happen - he was angry enough with himself already - but for now, he just didn’t have it in him to give a damn.

Moments passed in near silence, nothing but the continuous sound of falling rain and the occasional gasp or sob to break the quiet. Cas said nothing, just held Dean tightly and rubbed the hunter’s back with one hand.

It took several minutes before Dean finally spoke again; even then he couldn’t bring himself to look at Cas. He was glad that his face was buried in the angel’s shoulder, preventing him from having to attempt to make eye contact.

“I’m sorry, Cas” he murmured, and by now he wasn’t even sure _what_ exactly he was apologising for. “I didn’t mean...”

“I know” the angel quietly replied. “You don’t have to explain, Dean.”

He wanted to, though, even if he had no idea how.

“I’m _sorry”_  he whispered again.

Cas just stroked one hand over Dean’s back comfortingly, and it was only then that Dean realised how strangely intimate this might seem to an outside observer.

Scratch that. It _was_ intimate, in every possible sense, and there was no damn point in pretending otherwise. He knew Cas would see right through him, anyway.

Apparently everyone did. Sam had made that painfully clear.

“Cas...”

“Hmm?”

There was no demand there, no requirement for Dean to reply. The lack of pressure from Cas gave him an odd feeling of calm, and he was suddenly reminded of why it was that he trusted this angel so much, why he cared so much about him.

Nobody else would just accept him and care about him the way Cas did.

 _He loves me_.

It was a sudden realisation, and it hit Dean like a sledgehammer. Cas had said earlier that Sam was right and Dean had heard him, but it only now truly registered with the hunter what the angel had _meant_ by that.

The realisation forced Dean to pull away, staring at Cas in what might have been described as awe but could equally have been described as horror.

Cas frowned in concern. “Dean?”

Dean just shook his head, at a complete loss for words.

After all, what the hell do you say to somebody who might as well have admitted out loud that he loves you, when you’ve been in love with the guy for over a year and never really let yourself acknowledge that those weird feelings might have been love?

He must have looked scared, or at least flustered, because Cas reached out to steady him with a hand on his arm.

Despite the casual gesture, Dean was taken aback by the contact. There was no hesitation in it, even after all that Dean had done. Cas still cared for him, and somehow still trusted him.

Dean decided two things on the spot.

The first was that Cas were legitimately insane, in the best possible ways.

The second was that his brother, damn him, was right.

“Dean?”

The hunter took in a shaky breath, his breathing not quite returned to normal after the sobbing, but he smiled at the angel nonetheless.

“We’re getting wet out here” he blurted out, not sure what to say. “Let’s get in the car.”

Cas frowned a little but he nodded and walked beside Dean back to the car, parting only to climb into his side of the car. Dean thought that the angel might have purposely steered him towards the passenger seat, but for once he didn’t mind.

In the car, out of the rain, Dean realised that he was shivering a little, and he shrugged off the wet jacket. Cas watched him toss it into the backseat but he didn’t seem inclined to remove his own coat, and it made Dean smile a little.

The atmosphere in the car was a bit awkward, though. The tension was creeping back, but this time, Dean felt like he could take it on.

Maybe he’d ruined things between him and Sam, and he’d live with that forever, but right now, all he wanted to focus on was that he might not have screwed things up permanently with Castiel. For reasons he would never understand, the angel was giving him the chance Sam wasn’t, and he had to take it.

Cas was looking out the window - probably giving Dean a moment to collect himself - and Dean let himself take a deep breath before he reached out. His hand rested on Cas’ wrist, close enough to his hand that if Dean moved just an inch his hand would have been covering the angel’s.

“Thanks, Cas.”

“You’re welcome.” The angel turned to him and smiled. “Sam will come around, Dean.”

Dean had serious doubts about that, but he didn’t want to get into all that just now, so he simply nodded.

Cas nodded back, that same warm expression on his face that Dean had never allowed himself to admit seemed to be reserved for him. Now that he’d let himself acknowledge that, the look was oddly endearing in a way it never had been before.

Another silence fell over the two, this one neither awkward nor comfortable. Dean cleared his throat and stared straight ahead, watching the rain on the windscreen as he spoke.

“You were right.”

“About what?”

“Sam.” Dean’s eyes flickered to the angel but he looked away quickly, face heating up. “He didn’t say anything that wasn’t true.”

Cas didn’t reply, but Dean knew he’d nodded in agreement. He felt the angel’s hand twitch next to his, and without really thinking about it he lowered his hand so that his fingers rested over the other’s. He waited a second in tense anticipation, but Cas got the hint quickly enough, turning his hand over to clasp Dean’s.

Dean swallowed hard, not sure where the hell to go from here.

Here he was, in a car in the middle of night, holding hands with his best friend who he could barely admit that he loved and who he knew loved him. He was terrified and exhilarated and hopeless all at once, and that was without adding Sam into the mix.

He was dreading heading back to the bunker, though he knew they had to go. Sam was in no condition to be left alone, no matter how pissed off he was. At the very least Dean needed to get Cas to drop him off somewhere so the angel could go back to the bunker. Maybe he could go and hunt down Gadreel, get justice for Kevin and some solace for Sam...

He didn’t want to think about it right now.

Right now, he just wanted to stay where he was. There was something altogether foreign, and frightening, about the way the angel’s hand felt in his. It was bigger than any other hand he was used to holding, him being used to holding a woman’s smaller, often manicured hand. It was comfortable, though, in a strange way.

The acceptance of it felt right. There was no pressure, either, and Dean was relieved about that. He could barely admit to himself or to Castiel that these feelings were very real, and now that they were out in the open, he would have to learn how to handle them.

It was going to have to be a slow process. They wouldn’t make it otherwise.

Part of him wanted to draw the angel into his arms again. Part of him wanted to kiss him, find out what it would be like to taste him. Part of him wanted to go even further, the backseat of the car calling to him.

Those parts of him were drowned out by nervousness. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to make himself go any further than he already had, and he knew it would be some time before he would actually be able to admit to himself that he might just love Castiel enough to overlook the fact that the angel was in a male body. Men had never held any appeal for him, yet with Cas, his eyes had been wandering for well over a year now.

For the first time in his life, the other’s gender didn’t matter. It was Cas, and that was the only thing that counted. Cas would always attract him, no matter the vessel.

It would be a slow process, though, if it was going to work. Luckily, from the way Cas seemed content to just hold his hand, the angel seemed to feel the same.

It made sense, Dean thought. After all he’d put the angel through, it made sense that Cas would need time to adjust to this new relationship, whatever it was. He’d want to take it slow, too.

That thought alone was enough to make Dean look up and meet the angel’s eyes. Cas smiled at him a little nervously, though his eyes were warm and happy.

Dean smiled back, and he squeezed the angel’s fingers. “Let’s head home.”

Cas grinned at him and nodded once, squeezing Dean’s hand back before releasing him so he could start up the car.

Dean’s palm felt a little cold now, but he settled back into the leather seat without complaint. The car’s engine spluttered to life - Dean rolled his eyes at the angel’s choice of vehicle - and the two set off on their journey home in a companionable silence.

Dean felt a nagging sense of dread in his chest at the thought of going back to the bunker, back to Sam, and he just had to hope that his brother had had the good sense to go straight there. He was in no condition to be taking any detours.

The thought of facing Sam again, after everything, was not a welcome one. He was still pretty pissed off at his brother for throwing him and Cas in the deep end like that, and there was no doubt in his mind that Sam was still furious with him. Still, it was an inevitable reunion; there was no point in putting it off.

Besides, he at least had one thing that would make Sam happy. After all, Sam wouldn’t have brought up this whole thing between him and Cas if he hadn’t wanted something to come of it. Maybe his brother would be happy to hear that he’d apologised to Cas, that he was going to find some way to make it up to him.

And if not, then at least he would have Cas to help him pick up the pieces.

Despite all the lingering shame and anger and guilt, despite the newfound nervousness he felt around the angel, Dean found that he managed to spend at least part of the journey smiling.

With Cas by his side, he felt a little less alone, and that was, at least, a step in the right direction.


End file.
